“What happens through love and is maintained by love can only be dismantled through love”
Bert Hellinger
Constellations: What is it?
Family and Systems Constellations are a soulful healing process that give insight and allow love to flow into limiting, repetitive dynamics and patterns inherited from family, historical, social, organisational, cultural or national systems.
We all inherit beliefs and behavioural patterns from our family and other external systems. Many of these are forged out of deep love and protection. Some beliefs and patterns are a response to trauma experienced by ancestors in the course of their lifetime. These patterns are passed down to future generations. They exist in family norms including the said or unsaid ‘rules of belonging’ to family, race, nation or culture. They are deeply imprinted in our subconscious and influence how we perceive ourselves and the choices we make in our lives. They are in our beliefs about who we should marry, how we handle our money, the way we treat our natural world, career choices and even the expression of our creative and spiritual lives. Even though forged out of love they may be irrelevant for the needs of our times, limit the full expression of our life or block our ability to love to our full hearts capacity. Constellation's work is about healing these subconscious blocks and limitations.
In the process participants are guided through the limiting stories that keep us stuck or repeating towards healing movements so that we can face our lives with energy, clarity and agency. As facilitators, we do not need to know all the details of the story to guide you through the process. This is not a dialogic sharing circle. We work with our bodies, sensory information, insights from representing participants and years of training to guide clients to the appropriate healing movement which allows love to flow where it was previously blocked.
What are we working with?
Systems Constellations draws from an integration of existential phenomenology, family systems therapy, psychotherapy, psychodrama, gestalt therapy, and indigenous isiZulu traditions and beliefs about intergenerational family dynamics. In the facilitation process we are working with the organising principles of love, named ‘the orders of love’ by Bert Hellinger. I will write about Mr Hellinger and the origins of this work in a future blog, to give his story and the roots of this work context and loving consideration.
The orders of love in family systems
In my indigenous medicine practice we experience love as the only organising principle of life. That everything is either love or a limitation to love. With regard to this phenomena, Constellations' work and Hellingers ‘orders of love" correspond with our indigenous practice. I could write full essays on each of these orders, they are so encompassing and profound. For the purpose of this text however, I offer an overview and a few examples. As you read them, take care to notice any sensations, memories or feelings that may arise.
I will write about the organising principles in organisational systems in a future blog, as these orders work differently in the world of business and work. What follows here are the orders of love in family systems, as I understand them.
Everyone belongs
In Constellations we see that we get entangled with everyone we consciously or subconsciously exclude e.g the baby that died before her mother could celebrate her 1st birthday. A loss so painful, it was not grieved fully and her name not spoken again after her funeral. We also see that future generations can be entangled with ancestral relatives from our greater family of origin even if we didn’t know them personally e.g. the great-uncle who died alone in an asylum, isolated for years by the family shame. Depending on the severity of the exclusion these symptoms of the excluded family member can travel through 7 generations, to manifest in a descendant in a completely different lifetime and context e.g. an educated, talented and capable woman finds herself inexplicably experiencing patterns of financial enslavement that repeat despite her best efforts. Or the fact that she lives in a time in which she is the free-est woman in all her lineages for generations!
Shame, unexpressed grief, guilt, denial, regret, superiority, righteousness, suppressed acknowledgement of violation, oppressed rage of injustice are some of the emotions and beliefs that block the flow of love. Until someone in the family lineage is called to feel, heal and release the impediments to love.
Everyone has their rightful place
For love to flow in a family system, everyone must be in their rightful place. Children must be children, adults must be adults. The elders are the elders. When each person stands in their place and acknowledges the place of the others in the family order, the system is relieved and harmonious. When we talk about place in this work it is not about superiority over another, it is just fact e.g. I am the 2nd daughter of my parents. That is a fact. Even though my sister passed away before I was born. When I refer to myself as the 1st born or eldest child, I experience constriction and some discomfort. My body knows this is not a fact, it gently constricts and sends a signal of discomfort or dis-ease that something is not true. Should I persist with this non-fact, subconsciously or consciously, the denial of the truth in my body can create disease not only for me but also future descendants.
The dynamic of giving and receiving tends towards balance
Love flows when the dynamic of giving and receiving in relationships tends towards balance. I wish to highlight that this is a dynamic exchange that applies in all relationships except that of parent-child which I expand on in the next paragraph. This order of love is not static but changeable. It implies that there will be times when one will be giving more than the other, but then the other will counter this reciprocity to keep the dance of reciprocity flowing. This dynamic also implies that a system will naturally seek balance. If for any reason i.e. wrongful acts, trauma, systemic oppression this naturally occurring dynamic is blocked the system will continue to seek balance even if it is through illness or misfortune in later generations. It is important to note that giving too much, refusing to receive, taking too much or taking less than one needs all impede the flow of love. In our greater earth system, we are currently witnessing our Mother earth, seeking to restore balance through unprecedented climate changes. All systems from family to organisations will tend to seek balance.
Except in the relationship between parents and children. In the parent-child relationship parents give, and children receive so that they can give forward to their own children, projects, work and life endeavours. This does not mean children are entitled to inheritance or an endless shopping list of things. It means parents are to provide for the physical and emotional needs of the child, specifically the emotional needs of safety, belonging and recognition. As adults, children can take care of their parents in illness or old age but are never to take on the emotional work of the parent. Children who have not received enough emotionally from their parents, may subconsciously try to have these needs met through future partners, in their workplace or addictive behaviours.
What to know before you attend a consultation or workshop:
We always afford our ancestors and ourselves, dignity. We do not voyeur into painful secrets and trauma. We heal the patterns that were formed in response to them.
We keep our language respectful and attend to our healing with reverence.
In my circles you can expect ritual. Ritual is an embodied prayer. In indigenous medicine practices we consider our wounds, and the wounds of the ancestral family sacred. Ritual is for protection, and to call on the supportive ancestors, elements and spirit to guide our process, for the greater good of all life.
Everything in a constellations session is confidential. We do not speak about the experience of others. You also do not have to share details of your life story.
This is not a dialogic story sharing process. In fact, we encourage less story, less talking, less intellectualising and more feeling. One of the things I really appreciate about this work is that you do not have to say much at all to experience deep, meaningful and long lasting healing.
You will feel feelings. Everybody in the group experiences healing whether you are witnessing, representing or constellating. It is normal to feel tired (and hungry) after a consultation or workshop.
We are working in the subconscious. You are not expected to know or understand the patterns before a session. You bring the issue that is affecting your life today. In circle, we work collectively to make the limiting patterns, beliefs or behaviours conscious.
You do not need to prepare anything but it is useful to think about and perhaps bring a picture or object that represents a supportive ancestor to the session.
If you wish to have a pattern constellated, please think about how this pattern affects you in your life and how your life would be if this pattern can be healed.
I hope this piece gives readers more insight into a process that is best experienced rather than described. And hope to meet you in a circle sometime, online or in-person.
To stay in touch for news, workshops and ceremonial gatherings please join my mailing list on the website: www.naluthando.co.za or join the Whatsapp group where I share the same: https://chat.whatsapp.com/Ek3H54nVPOICFEEgD0dWNX
Scheduled events for March - May can be found here: https://www.naluthando.co.za/event-list.
All Nalu Thando workshops can be booked for private groups, organisational teams or community gatherings. Drop me an email at nicole@naluthando.co.za to schedule a workshop for your group.
Rituals and ceremonies are a collaborative creation between us. To start the process, you can email nicole@naluthando.co.za.
Big love,
Nicole Klassen
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